I often wonder how people managed their sex lives before there was an Internet. How did one meet willing partners, and having done so, how did you drive them to preternatural paroxysms of pleasure while having all your own fantasies fulfilled. These days, spam takes care of all that

Of late, for example, spams have informed me that my very own neighborhood is rife with unhappy married women who are extremely anxious to make my acquaintance. All these years I’ve been walking down local streets and patronizing local stores without realizing these realms harbored married women who were silently craving liaisons with me.

And these women are not only readily accessible but infinitely desirable. All seem to be 5’7" or taller and weigh between 125 and 133 pounds. All have longish blond or red hair. .And all, according to the photos that accompany these spams, appear to spend a large part of their household budgets on lingerie.

I suppose one might wonder why young women who look like this have husbands who ignore them. Or, if ignored, why they aren’t having affairs with guys in their husband’s bowling league. Or why there are so many women with similar cravings bunched together in a single neighborhood. Or why they have all turned to me for solace.

Yes, one could wonder that. Or you could simply thank your lucky stars that you are the beneficiary of this extraordinarily good fortune.

Of course, with so many needy young women turning to me these days, I’ll need all the help I can get so as not to disappoint. Fortunately, Internet spam again comes to the rescue. Yes, Viagra is doubtless the ticket for some guys. Especially since you can get it without a prescription these days by ordering on the Internet. And the quality of this product is guaranteed by a Canadian pharmacy, which for some reason (probably having to do with the vagaries of international postal rates) ships from Hong Kong.

Spam recipients, however, know they need no longer just take the Viagra route. Why bother when you can get genuine Tadalafil soft tabs? Tadalafil, I’m informed countless times during the day via spam, is the active ingredient on Cialis, a drug that makes possible sexual prowess so profound you can do what has to be done for 36 hours at a clip. Though one has to remember when dealing with desperate housewives in the neighborhood that it might be best to cut these tabs in half or even thirds, and get your trysts wrapped up in just 12 or 18 hours so your partner can get home to hubby and the kids without being missed.

Lest anyone think that spam doesn’t promote family values, it’s important to note that many of these offers focus on providing one’s own wife with the best time she’s ever had. Spam thus reminds us not only to ask "who are the people in the neighborhood," but to remember that there’s often no place like home.